he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This baby is an asshole
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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