dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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