The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Your dad touched me again.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
