Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Randomize
