Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
