I just pynch a tree in the face
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She's the barista slut.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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