And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
