I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
