I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
