Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
