this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
