Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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