6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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