How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
