i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
