literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
