Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
