so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
