When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
