Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
