My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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