I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
