Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
as a side note pls kill me
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
