Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
