Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
