i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
