I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
