When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
