You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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