i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
