my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
