There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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