I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
