I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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