yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
