I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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