Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
