hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
