Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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