ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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