Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Randomize