if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
