Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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