Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
