I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
