just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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