Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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