He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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