I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Semen is not good for contacts.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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