that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
