I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
