I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
