12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
