my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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