party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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