By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
