dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
