Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
