she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
